Falling.. and getting back up again..

Have you ever had that moment when you think everything seems to be going well, and you try to push back any worries because you think that those worries are invalid? That you’ve learned from that same person that Fear is not of God, and that worrying is a sin, so you try not to worry. Then in one night, everything will come crashing down on you and you are left there to pick up the pieces. And the worst part is that you have no idea how things happened that way, and it was like tossing a coin and the sides just turned. You have a lot of questions, a lot of what-ifs, of thinking what you did or didn’t do. You try to analyze everything the best you can and still come up with nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. And you just cannot bear to accept it as it is because you thought it was so perfectly fine, so perfect, that you cannot accept that it’s really not, and that maybe it was just a figment of your imagination.

Well, I have. The fact that you warned that person that you already had enough of playing around, that before you even started you both knew that it has to be forever. That you gave everything because you believed in the promise of forever. That you really thought it would last forever. But somehow, somewhere along the way, you both changed, and you have forgotten what you really wanted. What you totally deserve. You try to pass off what you are getting as something you want because you were compromising what you want into what that person can give. But you still accepted what that person can give because of how you feel. And even now, you still believe that that person would come around and come back. That person just need to get his/her act shit together.

It may sound familiar. For me it is. I’ve come to realize that it has been a cycle for me. That I fall for the same type of Jerk man because at first they seem to be at their best, and I fall for it. Eventually, you will see their true colors. This time around, I thought it was different because we had the same upbringing, serving in church and hey, he was prepping to be a ‘minister/pastor/evangelist’. He was so good with words, it’s like all the things coming out of his mouth was gold. But essentially, he wasn’t ready. To be committed to another person. To be in tune with another person’s feelings and emotions, and to open up all fears and worries to that person. And you try so hard to understand that maybe it’s just the adjustment process. You pray so hard that sooner he would be more transparent with his emotions. You, in turn, were not aware that because of your inner turmoil, you turned into someone that is out of your usual self. Yes, you are still the same person at times, but sometimes thinking too much can turn you into another person. And the gap just got wider. It may seem to be perfect when you are in front of friends and family. But between the two of you, you knew that there was something different. But you try to ignore because you still think it’s the adjustment, or you were just too scared to admit it. You became so overwhelmed with the idea of getting married, of finally having your dream wedding, that you ignored the signs. Sure you asked him whether that is what he wanted too, and he gave an affirmative just to please you. Or maybe he was trying to convince himself too, that that is what he wanted. But the pressure got the better of both of you. Yes you still want it. But you’re not sure if you’re ready to have it as it is. That you are already aware that in the present condition, the responsibilities and consequences would you eat you up simply because you are both not ready. That’s it. You are not ready. You were only kidding yourself that you were.

You have to face another crucial part of it. That the feelings were gone. It’s the one thing you really cannot accept. Because how in the world can you feel the hope and feel the love when there’s none. Is it just because he became so good in acting that he was just putting up a front? For the sake of family and friends. But how about you? You are the main character here.

So far I’ve been talking about the falling part. But how do you get up? There was a time that getting up in the morning was such a task because I would rather just sleep and never wake up. Or I would prefer to be numb and not be able to feel anything. But then, is that really all there is to it? Yes it may seem as if the pain is going to last forever, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from my past relationships (yes I’ve fallen quite a lot of times), pain is a part of it. The only thing that is maybe hindering me is still the hope of a future with you. That you would still realize that I’m the woman of your dreams. Okay, there I go again.

How to get back up again?
Yes it may sound cheesy. But I have decided to surrender everything to God. I’ve realized that all this time, I was acting on my own, and just passing it off as God’s will for me. That in itself is a step towards healing. Yes I still feel sad, and still hoping for him to get back, but one very important thing I learned during my classes in church is this: God is in control. If He allowed this to happen, He was saving me, or us, from more suffering. If it is really His will, if during the first time you manifested that you have prayed and God said I was the one that you were really hearing from Him, then everything will fall into place in His time. Patience, as I have discovered, is not a trait that I possess abundantly. But if it is not meant to be, then God will reveal Himself at the right time. It may seem difficult to do, but rest assured that He doesn’t want us to be harmed or in pain but rather, to enjoy His presence. If I look around me, I realize that my troubles seem to be small compared to people who cannot eat or doesn’t have shelter. If you start to realize how blessed you are, you will also start to realize that you already have everything you need.
I am trying to move on. I am trying to forget the memories and trying not to dwell in the past. The past is not something I can change, but I can change the way I will look forward to the future. I can choose to be happy instead of sulking all the time (nowadays I don’t really, I swear). Yes I still see you in church. And yes I am still close to your family. They will be one of the reasons that I’m thankful to God of what we had. I may have said I regretted trusting you with my whole heart, but it was just hateful words, because I am still thankful to God for you.

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